A change is coming...

I'm going to be making some big changes in the upcoming new year. 2K10, a new beginning. Watch out for the movement...

Crawling Out...

The way she wears her manufactured smiles...
Is the same way a king wears his crown, a beauty pageant queen, her tiara.
Nobody can tell the difference.
It's been so long since she's shown a genuine smile.
That not even show notices anymore.
She's become somewhat of an expert at hiding her feelings.
An automated smile, and bright green eyes.
She's accepted by most, and loved by many.
But when she's alone, she hates herself.
"I'm a disaster," she thinks to herself.
Five foot three, slim and petite.
Beautiful, is the first word that comes to mind.
Ugly is what she considers herself.
"Stunning," is what society considers her.
But she says she doesn't fit the mold.
Dark red hair and a fair complexion.
She's got a smile that could melt your heart.
But while she's melting yours, it's destroying hers.
All she's ever wanted out of life, was someone to call her own.
To be loved, held, kissed, hugged, cherished.
Sure, she's had the chance, it's proven daily.
But she knows they're all after the same thing.
So she gives them the cold shoulder.
Fighting back the tears.
How much more can she take?
She's on the verge of a mental breakdown.
As comfortable as she is, in and around a sea of people...
She's so uncomfortable inside of her own skin.
Every day, she tries harder and harder to get out.
She's successful in everything that she does.
School, work, and friendship.
But she feels like nothing more than a failure.
Will this beautiful angel ever be content?
For her sake, I'll be praying that she sees sunny days....

So Unforgettable.

I'll swallow the signs of weakness, just so you know you didn't hurt me. All of my emotional distress, I'll hide behind shut off eyes. This heart I have, you'll never truly know the damage you've done to it. Am I too proud? Probably. But, I'll think of you when I hit the bottom of the bottle. I'll blackout at the end of the night, just to forget you. "Never better, when better won't do." When I think of you, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe. How could you do this to me? To us? I don't understand it, and I probably never will. I'll carry this around with me to the grave. But you'll never know. We speak civilly, but I want to cut you. I smile in your face, while I'm dying inside. You can't see the real raw emotion in my eyes, can you? Are you blind? Or do I just hide it well? It doesn't matter, you'll never know. I don't even know half of the time, but I'm all right with that. I used to drink to numb the pain, now I drink because it's all I know. A lasting impression, an unforgettable memory. Why couldn't you have been like the mermaid I never found, instead of being the jackpot I thought I hit? Would I be different, if you never would've came into my life? Maybe. I don't think I'd be so jaded, or angry. I used to be full of love, and have a heart made of gold. Now? It's ice in my veins, and a heart blacker than burnt wood.

Every step, it feels like I'm walking on broken glass. But I've numbed myself of the pain. I had no other choices or options. I used to know myself, before you destroyed me. Now, I don't even know who I am. I know what I do, but that's about as far as it goes. I used to play it safe, and never do anything dangerous. Now, it's all danger with the safety net removed. I'm walking a tight rope, twenty stories high. If I slip, I'm a goner. But that thought doesn't bother me. Not at all. I used to say, that I would die for you. And truthfully, I would've. But now, I think I would just sit back and watch, purely out of spite. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I would probably try and justify it some how. Like "oh, you destroyed me, so this is karma." Or some stupid shit like that. But if you caught on fire, I'd probably try and put it out with spit, or piss. Or with sprinkles of water, or something.

--------

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm lost. Confused, even. I don't think I have any emotions left, to be honest. I can't even connect with people anymore. At least, not any females. I'm interested, and like two days later, I'm just like "fuck em." And I don't know why. It's like I truly don't give a fuck anymore. Everything that I wanted out of life, has changed. At least, relationship wise anyways. Now, I don't even see the need for one. I can't even put my heart into it anymore. It's like, I can't have any real emotions towards a girl. Yeah, I'll smile, and all of that bullshit. But underneath that, there's no real emotion. I just simply don't care. I've seen so many faces, and they all look the same now. There's nothing special, about any of the girls I've met. At all. Nothing stands out to me. I wish I could figure out why, but then again, I don't. I don't even put any real investment into the girls I meet now. They get a smile, and a hard dick. And that's about it. Maybe I'm just an asshole or something. I don't know. I can't get close with people anymore. Maybe it's the lack of trust, maybe it's the lack of care, or maybe, I just don't want to be close with anybody. Ah, fuck it. I'm going to bed.

Under Medicated.

I'm shoveling in handfuls of barbiturates.
It won't ease the pain, but it'll slow the anxiety.
Panic attacks and nervous breakdowns.
Sweaty palms and a racing heart.
I've got this crushing feeling.
And you can't stop it.
I'll swallow these opiates, just to ease the pain.
The euphoria is deafening.
I'm closing my eyes, and letting the rush envelope me.
I just want this pain to end.
I want the anxiety gone.
Is that too much to ask?
Under medicated.
I'd rather be under the influence.

Meh. Confused.

So, I'm sitting here, just chillin', bored. And of course, I'm listening to "Stick To Your Guns - Comes From The Heart," as I've been doing since I got it. Epic album, by the way.


But anyways, I was looking through some photos, some mine, some, another persons. And, there's a few photos that I sat and looked at, and was just... confused. Like, "that photo doesn't make any sense. What is she doing?" But, that doesn't matter. There's someone climbing the walls I've built around me, trying to get back in. And I'm making it easier on her. I'm tearing down the walls, one brick at a time. Just so she has an easier time getting in. Now, part of me is saying "dude, don't do it." But, the other part of me is saying "dude, go for it. You still love her, you might as well."

I'm listening to the bigger half, because a lot has changed, between the both of us. Both personally, and emotionally. But, don't get it twisted, I'm still that asshole who holds in more emotions than he should, and doesn't say as much as he needs to. But, a lot of that HAS changed. But, I'm stuck. I'm stuck as to what's going on, and what's going to happen. Now, I know it's not "right" what she's doing. She's well, cheating on her boyfriend. Not physically, but emotionally. But, perhaps she was never devoted to him anyways, because everything that she's ever felt for me, has always been there? I'm not sure how it works, nor do I really even care. Because either way, I'm still confused by it. But, it's whatever.

I want her back in my life, for good. I want her to be a permanent part of my life, for the final time. But, I'm not sure if that could, or even CAN happen. Only time will tell, and time has never been on my side. I just know I miss her, and I have since the day she left. And I never thought I'd have her back in my life, as my girl. But hey, crazier things have happened before, right? I guess only time will tell. Hopefully, I'll be seeing her around New Years Eves, so I guess we'll see...

Third Time's A Charm, Right?

My life just hasn't been the same.
Not since you walked away.
But now you're climbing the walls to try and get back in.
And I'm breaking bricks, just to make it easier on you.
Since you've been gone.
You're all I've wanted back.
My love. My life. My happiness.
I want us to share this adventure together.
The adventure called life.
When I'd wake up with you..
I'd wake up feeling complete.
I want that feeling back.
You were built for me.
We were made for each other.
Your smile, your touch, your laugh, your love.
I want it all.
Call me selfish.
But it belongs to me.
I love you.
I know the next time around, we'll make it work.
Two hearts, one beat.
We will survive.
We'll win when the odds are stacked against us.
I'm yours for the taking.
Will you be mine?

A new home...

All right, so I decided to make a new blog. Out with the old, in with the new. Right? I'll be coming here to vent, to write, and to share some good music with you guys. Basically, this is my little corner of the interwebs that I can call home. So this is just the introductory post, I'll be making an actual post shortly, so stick around...