So Unforgettable.

I'll swallow the signs of weakness, just so you know you didn't hurt me. All of my emotional distress, I'll hide behind shut off eyes. This heart I have, you'll never truly know the damage you've done to it. Am I too proud? Probably. But, I'll think of you when I hit the bottom of the bottle. I'll blackout at the end of the night, just to forget you. "Never better, when better won't do." When I think of you, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe. How could you do this to me? To us? I don't understand it, and I probably never will. I'll carry this around with me to the grave. But you'll never know. We speak civilly, but I want to cut you. I smile in your face, while I'm dying inside. You can't see the real raw emotion in my eyes, can you? Are you blind? Or do I just hide it well? It doesn't matter, you'll never know. I don't even know half of the time, but I'm all right with that. I used to drink to numb the pain, now I drink because it's all I know. A lasting impression, an unforgettable memory. Why couldn't you have been like the mermaid I never found, instead of being the jackpot I thought I hit? Would I be different, if you never would've came into my life? Maybe. I don't think I'd be so jaded, or angry. I used to be full of love, and have a heart made of gold. Now? It's ice in my veins, and a heart blacker than burnt wood.

Every step, it feels like I'm walking on broken glass. But I've numbed myself of the pain. I had no other choices or options. I used to know myself, before you destroyed me. Now, I don't even know who I am. I know what I do, but that's about as far as it goes. I used to play it safe, and never do anything dangerous. Now, it's all danger with the safety net removed. I'm walking a tight rope, twenty stories high. If I slip, I'm a goner. But that thought doesn't bother me. Not at all. I used to say, that I would die for you. And truthfully, I would've. But now, I think I would just sit back and watch, purely out of spite. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I would probably try and justify it some how. Like "oh, you destroyed me, so this is karma." Or some stupid shit like that. But if you caught on fire, I'd probably try and put it out with spit, or piss. Or with sprinkles of water, or something.

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I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm lost. Confused, even. I don't think I have any emotions left, to be honest. I can't even connect with people anymore. At least, not any females. I'm interested, and like two days later, I'm just like "fuck em." And I don't know why. It's like I truly don't give a fuck anymore. Everything that I wanted out of life, has changed. At least, relationship wise anyways. Now, I don't even see the need for one. I can't even put my heart into it anymore. It's like, I can't have any real emotions towards a girl. Yeah, I'll smile, and all of that bullshit. But underneath that, there's no real emotion. I just simply don't care. I've seen so many faces, and they all look the same now. There's nothing special, about any of the girls I've met. At all. Nothing stands out to me. I wish I could figure out why, but then again, I don't. I don't even put any real investment into the girls I meet now. They get a smile, and a hard dick. And that's about it. Maybe I'm just an asshole or something. I don't know. I can't get close with people anymore. Maybe it's the lack of trust, maybe it's the lack of care, or maybe, I just don't want to be close with anybody. Ah, fuck it. I'm going to bed.